Monday, February 20, 2012

She still believes what his eyes say....

He could make her deliriously happy, or uncontrollably angry, quicker than anyone she’d ever known. When he looked at her, everything else disappeared, and he became her whole universe. She could not help but smile. His eyes were just perfect- kind and assertive, knowing and doubtful, playful and sensitive- all at once.  It was paradoxical. Just like their relationship.  They made her laugh when she was low, forgiving when she was angry, and believing even when she knew he was lying. Those eyes were more than enough to make her fall head over heels in love with him- and that was something she had always tried to steer clear of.
They had hit it off on the wrong note. Her first memory of him was an awkward encounter in a party thrown by a common friend. She found his silence intimidating, yet when she felt his eyes on her- even on that first day, she had felt beautiful, inside out. He looked like a cold sort of person, the kind she had never planned on falling for. But as their friendship deepened, when she found herself slipping, she realized, when has Fate ever been kind enough to let you follow your plans?
He was the first guy she ever really loved. She was surprised too. He was just the opposite of what she had wanted from life.  Yet when he held her, her head resting on his shoulder, she knew he could hear her deepest, darkest thoughts. She had always been talkative- she’d needed plenty of words to convey her thoughts to the world, yet she did not call it a miracle when she felt him read everything she had ever wanted to tell him, in the silence that often enveloped them when they were together. She called it love. When he spoke, it was mostly to tell her that she was never the kind of woman he thought he would settle for either, to tell her that despite that, he loved her and only her. She knew he was lying for she felt somebody else in his heartbeat, in every throb of his pulse; but those eyes – they always made her trust him.
From the time he first held her hand, he dominated her thoughts. She tried hard to focus on college, on her painting, on her family, and even on a God she never believed in, but with each passing day she felt weaker and weaker. She felt reckless, afraid and excited. Her days began with the thought of meeting him, the afternoons she spent with him became evenings before she’d even realized it, and her nights were spent texting him. When she met him the next day, she often had dark circles, but he made her feel beautiful. Every time he looked at her with those eyes.
Her instincts were at loggerheads with each other. “Trust him”. “Trusting him will easily be your biggest blunder”. “Reach out for his hand”. “Be at peace with returning the pressure when he squeezes your fingers”. “Ask him about her; find out if he still loves her”. “No, he’s totally into you now”!! She was confused. The love in his eyes overshadowed his lies; their warmth was more than the doubt in hers.
She occasionally saw the deception, the insecurity very clearly in his eyes. She was sure his loving words were for her, but she wondered if his heart was too. Like the rest of his emotions, she could never tell with surety how much was an act for her benefit, and how much he really felt for her. She stared into his jet black eyes and wondered if he knew how much control he had over her every sense, and if he knew how devastated she’d be when the break would ultimately happen.
Then one day, a fortnight later, it all came crashing down around her. As abruptly as he had walked into her life, he walked out. He was gone, and as she hurt alone, she wondered if he had ever really loved her, even for a moment; or if it was all a charade. She had so many questions for him, and so much to tell to him. But the alarm clock had gone off too soon, and now the dream was over, leaving her lonely and cold. All that she had, to remind her of the best fifteen days of her life were some text messages that she’d immediately deleted, and some notes he’d made for her homework. She tore it into pieces as her tears washed the ink out of those assignment sheets. She was too proud to dwell on those memories, to wait for him to come back. Her heart wanted to cry out, but her mind had decided to move on. In the end, that is what she did.
He taught her many lessons. Lessons on life, on love and on circumstances. She has finally made herself collect the fragments of those days, ensconce them in a special part of her heart, and live life like she ought to. She thinks of him less often. Yet, I’m sure her mind sometimes drifts back to her past, to the sweet dream of her first love. And at those times, she remembers his eyes... and she still believes what they say. 

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