Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Ashaye Benche Thaka


Ek tuku shukh , ektu khani hashi
Shunte chaowa, ‘ami tomake bhalobashi’
Hanta pothey kal pawoa karor shongo,
Shei daily routine k ekdin kora bhongo

Ei tuku  ashaye benche thaka…

Ghuri hoye akaash chuiye jawoa
Buke mukto lukiye rakha jhinuk howa
Tarar niche ek raat shuye thaka,
Shankhe kaan patle shei dheu-er daka

Ar ki chai benche thakte…

Shiter roder ushnotaye ekbar snaan
Brishtir jole lukiye fela kichu abhiman
Ektu jeta ektu hara niye shesh kora khela
Rongin durbin diye duniya dekhe fela

Aladiner prodip nei amar kache,
Tai shudhu ashaye benche thaka…

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Feriwala shono toh....

Hankcho na toh tumi, dakcho-o na je tumi
Just beriye jaccho amaar janlar shamner poth dhore
Ooooo feriwala, shono toh..

Ache ki tomar kache amaar harano chelbelata?
Iskool-er shei prothom dinta?
Pabo ki Tomar kache hariye jaowa bondhuder ke?
Babar kandher shinghashon, ar babari belt-er maar?
Ditey parbey, amaaye mayer hath dhore hanta shekhar anubhuti?

E shob je ar paina kothao!!


Pabo ki unchu heel juto porar shei prothom khushi ta?
Prothom shei 'concert' e chool jhankabar anando ta?
Fire pabo ki tomar kache prothom proposal-er shei prothom gorbo ta?
Prothom oi laal kolom-e 'fail' lekha dekhar atanko ta?
Ditey parbe, 'Ebar kintu HS HS' kore para mashi-r kanduni gaowa gaan!!

Ei shob je ami hariye felechi kothao!!


Hankcho na toh tumi, dakcho-o na je tumi
Just beriye jaccho amaar janlar shamner poth dhore
Ooooo feriwala shono toh...


Prothom college bunk kore cinema dekhar oi 'thrill'ta?
Ditey parbey, harano bondhuder shathey addar oi din gulo?
Prothom oshofol premer oi prothom dukkher kobita lekha-ta?
Ache ki tomar jhuli-te oi prothom cigaretter abcha dhuan ta?
Oi prothom guitar dhore angul roktakto kora ta?

Ei shob je amaar bhishon money porey!!


Hankcho na toh tumi, dakcho-o na je tumi
Just beriye jaccho amaar janlarshamner poth dhore
Ooooo feriwala bolo na...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Hobi jedin amaar bondhu...


Takiye achish amaar ei mukher dike...
Shanto, niriho, snigdho!
Thoke jashney ei  sneher murti dekhe
ja dekhchish ta je moteo shotyo noye!!

Hosh Jodi bondhu amaar ekbaar
Dekhbi tui amaar ashol chehara ta!

Bondhu.... 
Porey achi eije ami mukhosh-ta
Khuley felishney tui – tui parbi na
Ei , tui bujhe ja!!
Mithye  porichoy dewowa amaar porichoy

Hosh Jodi bondhu amaar ekbaar
Dekhbi tui amaar ashol chehara ta!

Jedin bohu porot chariye tui gobhire dekhbi
Dekhe Jodi shedino bhalo amaye bashish
Shedino Jodi ‘sakhi’ boley amaye dakish
Hente jabo tor shathe sharata poth!

Bondhu amaar hoye jash tui
Chere amaye jashney kothao
Bhalobashbi jokhon tui amake
Bhalobeshe felbo amio amake!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The darker side of light


I walked. I was humming a song to myself. A sad song- Bleeding Love. The singer was pining for her beloved. She spoke of how they keep trying to pull her away, but her then she kept bleeding love, because her lover had cut her open. I thought I could relate to her, except that I was bleeding blood. The gash I’d inflicted upon my wrist was slowly but steadily draining my veins. I was glad though, that I could not see it.  It was too dark for the trickling red drops to be visible.

Suddenly, I stumbled against something. The thing woke up with a start. It was a homeless boy, probably my age, sleeping on the pavement, wrapped up in tethers- his version of a blanket. He looked at me and smiled. What could possibly make him smile in the dead of the night after being rudely awakened, I asked him. He was dreaming a beautiful dream, he said- one in which he could sleep for as long as he wanted. One in which he did not have to wake up at 4 am to walk to the brick kiln to work all day long and make his way to a slow death from dust poisoning. He asked me, “Yeh subah hoti kyun hai”?

I smiled at him and tried to move on. But the pain in my wrist was beginning to numb me. I wanted to walk ahead, but as long as there was even a little bit of life was left in me, I was a slave to the commands of my body. I leaned against an ambulance parked nearby. I looked at its insides. It was one of those well-equipped ones, with life support systems and a very comfortable looking bed. I couldn’t help but wonder, how many lives did this ambulance help save everyday? Ten? Twenty? Fifty? The life support system, that soft bed- did they really matter when you were dying? At night, the ambulance was just another vehicle, waiting patiently for the emergency to occur the next morning. If it had a mind, would it have wanted the sun to rise the next day, bringing with it yet another crisis? Somebody’s mother, somebody’s brother, somebody’s child battling for life... the ambulance saw all this everyday. I wonder if it ever got as sick of its life as I had gotten of mine.

The blood from my wrist was still dripping. I looked around. I could see the silhouette of my city against the night sky. The city I loved. The city that I hated. It looked beautiful now. All I could see was the minaret of the mosque nearby, with a huge statue of a Hindu God in the background. I had never seen a sight more divine, more touching. I was thankful to the darkness of the night, for I had seen what the same scene would look like in the daylight.

Suddenly, I saw a light go on in the minaret of the mosque. I heard the azzan begin, and realized that dawn was breaking. My body had gone completely numb, and I felt the last dregs being sucked out of the
cup that was my life. I lay down on the street, when
suddenly somebody stumbled against my body.

It was the brick-kiln boy- the boy who loved sleeping, the boy who hated daylight, for that meant working in inhuman conditions. He was in a hurry, he did not recognise me. Besides in the dark I doubt he’d seen my face too well. Suddenly I wished I had not slashed my wrist. I wanted to live. I turned my face to look at the Hindu God behind the mosque- In the pink light of daybreak, I could see the idol that had been defaced by the members of the community whose mosque the Hindus had painted black during a communal riot. I asked Him to send the driver of the ambulance to me, to take me to a hospital where I could be saved. But no miracle happened.

Later in the day, as the sun shone down upon the city, bathing it in a warm light, people found my lifeless body lying next to the ambulance. 

Monday, September 24, 2012

Happy Mothers' Day


She heard him wail... She opened her eyes groggily and looked at her bedside clock. It had barely been an hour since she had fed him!! What made babies so hungry so often? All they did was to sleep all day anyways! She thought she’d buy earmuffs now.
She trudged towards the cradle. She picked him up and brought him to her breast. He gurgled hungrily. One look at his beautiful face, and all her irritation vanished. A smile came upon her face. “You greedy boy,” was all she managed to say. She was still looking at his innocent face, secure in her bosom, when she drifted into a dream.
She saw the bank where she used to work. She was walking in, dressed impeccably as always. She saw her clients, she saw herself smiling at them. She saw her fingers dancing on her keyboard as she punched details into the customer databases. She saw her boss applaud her, call her his prize employee. She saw her colleagues looking at her with admiration and envy. Oh, how she enjoyed the attention she got. She recalled last years Annual Celebration Day when her boss had presented her with the ‘Best Employee’ trophy, telling the audience that he couldn’t imagine working without her assistance. She was beaming with joy that day.
Suddenly, he began tugging at her long hair that was hanging loose. The dream was over. He had to be burped, and she thought afterwards she’d check his nappy too. And then put him back to sleep. She hoped to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep after that. She couldn’t remember when she’d last slept for more than four hours at a stretch.
As she rocked her son to sleep in her arms, she tried to recall what her life was like before motherhood happened. The days of girl-talk, appreciation at the bank, of romancing her husband, those weekly dates they went on, those fashionable clothes that wouldn’t look good on her almost misshapen body anymore... all of that was a distant memory now. She had almost forgotten where she had kept her favourite sketchbook- it was probably buried under the piles of baby stuff that now filled her home- diapers, toys, clothes...
Life used to be so different just a couple of months back. The arrival of the baby caused major upheaval, even though they were so well-prepared. Her past life seemed like another century altogether.
She had taken her son to the bank last week. She was surprised to see her old colleagues still busy with their work. Nobody really missed her as much as she thought they would. They were doing very well without their ‘prize employee’. Even the boss who loved and had appreciated her so much just acknowledged her presence with a cursory smile. Life goes on, she thought...
She looked at the window with the curtains drawn. She moved them, and felt overjoyed at the sight of the first snow of the year. The streets were empty at this unearthly hour. She told her son what snow was, and whispered into his ears, “You and I have witnessed what nobody else probably has. I wish you could remember this day! This is probably our best moment together!” She looked at him, but he was sleeping like a rock.
She put him into his cradle, thanked her stars and went back to sleep. She still had some hours before he’d cry again and demand to be fed.
She did not know what hour it was when she awoke. Sunlight was streaming into her room, and her husband’s side of the bed was empty. She peered at the clock again and was aghast- she had overslept by two hours. She was confused- why had the baby not cried? She called out her husband’s name in panic. Just then he entered the room.
He was holding a tray of breakfast- toast, scrambled eggs, and a big mug of strong coffee. He used to do that occasionally just after they had married. A wave of nostalgia hit her as she bit into the toast. She almost forgot they had the baby now- it was just like the old days. Immediately then, as if he felt her thoughts, Baby decided to make his presence felt and let out a loud wail. Their romantic moment was destroyed. She got up, but her husband held her by her wrist and said, “You enjoy the coffee. I’ll get him.” He rose and went to the cradle. 

It was then that she saw it lying next to her pillow.
It was a beautiful handwritten note- with scented ink on handmade paper. A single rose lay across the paper. He had written plenty of such notes to her when they were dating and even after they married. She read it. It was a one line long message.
Happy Mothers’ Day to the world’s best mother. Love, from the two men in your life XOXO

Tears welled up in her eyes. Motherhood had always been a thankless job; she had never wished her mother on Mothers ‘ Day either.
 Her husband entered the room. She rushed to kiss him. Then she took the crying baby from his arms and sat to feed him. She was staring at the note while she was at it. All of a sudden, the baby threw up, and the note was soiled. She cried as she held up the soggy remains of her husband’s love (on behalf of the baby!).
She kept the note aside as she tended to her son. Later, while he slept, she dried it in the sun. She meant to keep a reminder of her first Mothers’ Day as a mother. So what if there was baby puke all over it? That’s what motherhood was all about, right? Suddenly, her feelings of neglect at the bank, those sleepless nights, those soiled diapers looked like paradise to her... She was the happiest woman on the planet...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A Great Bargain...


Shoot, she thought, irritated, when she reached into the bread basket and found it empty. How could she be so absent-minded? All the farm fresh bread had been eaten up yesterday, when Lilly came visiting unexpectedly. All the biscuits and the leftover pies were polished off too.


They had chatted over endless cups of herbal tea, as her best friend of twenty five years tried to explain to her why it was a good idea to forget the past and move on. It was time she found herself a nice young man and fall in love all over again. But at the end of the conversation, Jenny was as heartbroken as she had been before. Things were just not moving forward, however hard she tried.
Pangs of hunger reminded her that she’d better head to the supermarket and get the shopping over with. It was a bright Saturday morning, and the store was bound to be crowded with families. It was a small town and nearly everyone knew everyone. She cringed at the thought of the sympathetic glances she would get from people. After all, who did not know about how her fiancĂ©e had disgracefully called off their wedding for no apparent reason. She wished she did not have to go, but she decided to leave before the store got too crowded.
She knew the whole trip was doomed when her car refused to start. She had a strong temptation to kick it. It had been a present from her parents to commemorate her high school graduation ten years ago, and was well past its sell-by date. “So am I”, Jenny thought to herself, morosely.A few more attempts later, the car finally started and Jenny reached the supermarket. She chose a trolley and proceeded to pick up her groceries. She knew the supermarket like the back of her hand and so very soon, she was almost done. She was just tossing the last few items she’d bought, into her trolley when she spied a packet of jellybeans she’d definitely not picked up. Maybe it had fallen in by mistake, she thought, as she kept the packet back on the shelf. Now she only had to pick up the sour cream, and she’d be done. As she steered the trolley, she saw a box of muffins lying in it- again something she did not need. As she looked around, wondering what on earth was happening, she felt a sharp pain shooting up her ankle, like somebody had kicked her. She glared down to see a small boy, about eight years old, giving her a naughty smile and dropping a box of fries into her trolley. She kept back the fries angrily-how much worse could the day get!!- and caught hold of the child’s wrist. A man, obviously looking for him, came running to them, apologizing for the boy’s antics. “I’m extremely sorry, has he been troubling you?”
“You should learn how to handle your children”, she retorted, spewing anger.
“I’m terribly apologetic. Actually, his mom is in the hospital for a couple of days, so I’m having to take care of him. I’m pretty bad at it. And now I’m having to shop as well- another thing I’m not great at. Having to handle both is a little cumbersome! I’m sorry, I should’ve taken more care of him”.
Jenny looked at them. The little boy’s mother was in the hospital, he was probably not happy without her. She looked man holding at the shopping list the unwell woman in the hospital had written down. He was having a tough time locating the commodities. She thought it was now her turn to play a little game. She had plenty of time anyway.
She picked up a carton of full fat milk at put it into the man’s trolley. He looked up at her, surprised. “We women all use the same shorthand”, she said, pointing to an item on the list, “1 crt mk, ff , stands for one carton of milk, full fat!”, she told him with a smile. He looked at her gratefully as she took the list from his hand and proceeded to help him. In less than twenty minutes, they were done, and the proceeded to the billing section. They went to different cashiers.
When Jenny had another look into her trolley at the counter, there was a box of those very pretty heart shaped chocolate wrapped in red foil. But this time she did not return it. It had been a while since she’d tasted them- she’d been dieting for a while- to lose weight for her wedding- the wedding that was never going to happen.
When she had finally paid her bill and picked up her bags, she noticed the child standing near the exit gate, with the man, waiting for her. She nodded and told him, “I hope your wife gets well soon. This little prankster misses his mom!”

“Uh, she’s not my wife actually!”
“Oh, sorry, partner, then?”
“No! She’s my sister. This naughty kid out here is my nephew!”
Suddenly, Jenny felt the hot blood rising to her cheeks. She was embarrassed and did not know what to say. But she did not have to say anything, for the man spoke.
“Do you shop here regularly?”
“Yes, on Saturday mornings.”
“Even I tend to do my shopping on Saturday mornings!” He was giving her a shy smile. The same smile every man has when he meets a wonderful woman.
The rest was left unsaid. They’d look for each other next weekend, they both knew it. Who knows what that could lead to!
She felt light-headed and unusually happy as she walked towards her car to return home. She got into it and turned on the ignition while she hummed her favourite song. The usually difficult to start car started in one attempt. Now that was a very good sign.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Already Perfect- Confessions of an anorexic



Everyone feels the need to fit in, right? All of us have issues with self-esteem and self-worth, and so did I. Most of my younger days were spent being involved in activities that included popular approval and criticism. And no one likes the latter, do they? I strove to be the best in everything I did and pretty much succeeded for a long time. The fact that I was my own worst critic further helped me nip most of my faults in the bud.
I had always wanted to be a superwoman. I was already into gymnastics and football, and I was planning on taking dance lessons too. But when I did not qualify for the finals of the dance selection camp, I was hurt. And I began feeling extremely inadequate and unworthy. I began wondering what could’ve caused this unexpected rejection, and finally decided that it was my weight. I had always been on the heavier side of thin, but now I was convinced I was overweight, and that I needed to get rid of all the extra fat if I was to attain that success I had always chased.
Thus began a downward spiral that turned my life around forever. I began competing again, but this time I was fighting myself. I began to reduce my portions of food, and my mind began try beating my body at this game of fat versus fit. With every meal I skipped, I felt a sense of triumph, for I was beginning to succeed. In short, I was well on the way to becoming what the dictionary defines as ‘anorexic’.
In the beginning, it was all very rosy. I felt great about myself- attractive, strong and successful. I was powerful, almost superhuman- for I could do something that other people could not. I could go without food. I had broken the very rule that had governed mankind since its inception- food was no more an essential in my life.
Some months down the line, my friends began to notice my weight loss. They started becoming concerned. “You’re losing too much weight!”, “At this rate, you’ll disappear”, they said. But obviously, the fox who does not reach the grapes call them sour- that doesn’t mean the grapes really are sour. I chose to take their comments as a compliment- they reassured me that I was succeeding, that I was getting closer to ‘perfection’. My physical appearance was now my priority.
I kept cutting back on what I ate, until breakfast was a cup of skim milk and an orange, and dinner consisted of a small bowl of fruit. That was all I ate on most days, and eating a bite more than my allotted ‘morsels’ meant strenuous gymming.
In a year, I had reached a phase where I had had to stop socializing almost completely. I couldn’t go out with my friends- what would I eat if I went to lunch; for it had been months since I’d eaten something in the afternoon. Dinners out were impossible. If I ate out, wouldn’t my little bowl of fruit keep waiting for me in futility? I began scheduling my days around my meals, and started avoiding my friends. What if they decided to tell me how awesome that loaded breakfast was, this morning? Besides, what would I wear? Now that I had a fantastic body, I’d wanted to wear amazing clothes. But none of my older clothes fit, and I couldn’t but new ones because no store stocked clothes my size. I’d shrunk, and I’d shrunk big time.
But you always sow what you reap. The body that I had worked so hard for a year began to rebel. My poor nutrition started causing me to lose sleep and concentration. I began feeling stressed out and fatigued as I worked towards burning those calories that I had not even consumed. My friends and family tried to help me, but I denied I had a problem. But I could not live in denial forever.
One night, like many others, I couldn’t sleep. My heart was pounding against my ribs and it threatened to beat its way out of them. I tried to relax, but I could not. Breathing was beginning to get difficult, and finally, after a year and a half of warnings and symptoms, I realized my folly. I now knew I needed help. Had my mom not seen me palpitating that day, I would not have survived to tell you this tale.
Thus began my long, ardours journey to recovery. A week of hospitalization and months of counselling later, I figured out what really mattered, and a new sense of reality struck me. A series of hospital visits later, I was a strong and healthy as I started off with.
Anorexia, for me, represented all that I wanted to achieve. It was a yardstick I used for measuring my self confidence. For a while, it had defined who I was.
Now, I am committed to being healthy. I use not an eating disorder, but my intelligence and talent to show the world who I am. This is who I am, and I’m beautiful- it’s not about the size of my body. I had tried to achieve perfection on the exterior, but I sacrificed the idea of who I really was. I promise, I will not walk down that lane again, for it leads me to the wrong destination through a difficult terrain. Take my word for it, do not take that route to success. It almost always will mislead you.